“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Lips to lips, cheeks to cheeks.”

If I had a nickel for every time I moved home with parents to get vulvovaginal surgery, I’d have 2 nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it is weird that it happened twice, right? Exactly 10 years from the day, I underwent a second vestibulectomy, but with a twist. 

Yes the picture above is a recreated version of the last surgery, the one in the end credits of Lady Parts.

For all you medical peeps out there, here is the name of the surgery: 

Lysis of clitoral adhesions, complete vestibulectomy and vaginal advancement flap, buccal mucosal graft of 12:00, urethral reconstruction

For the rest of you, here is what happened (reminder I am not a doctor, just an enthused patient trying to describe this in elementary school terms): 

A 3cm piece (about the size of a half dollar) was taken from the inside of my mouth (buccal graft) and used as a graft in the top of my vulvar vestibule right under the urethra. 12:00 refers to the top of the vulvar vestibule (the entrance of the vagina) like a clock with 12 at the top. Reading a clock and a vulva require similar skill apparently. 

Clitoral adhesions occur when the clitoral hood fuses to the clitoris, so this was also taken care of while under. 

I’ve been referring to this vestibulectomy as my “lip to lip” procedure, but “cheek to cheek” could also work. You have to have humor or you will drown in the pussy, quite literally. 

So why am I having a second vestibulectomy done? Back in 2016 when I had my initial vestibulectomy (yes, the one Lady Parts is based on), we removed most of the affected tissue, but at the time there was no process for removing the 12:00 area under the urethra. Now with this version that uses a buccal graft, I’m able to finish the job, or do a “touch-up job,” as I like to refer to it. 

I also developed the clitoral adhesions over the past 10 years, so that was in addition to this surgery. Make sure your OBGYN is checking both your clitoris and entire vulva (vestibule, labia, etc) on exams, not just sticking in a speculum and treating those organs like fly over states. I can’t believe it took me years to even find a doctor who bothered to even look at the literal organs causing me pain instead of offering a blanket gaslighting statement such as “it’s all in your head,” or “try some yoga.” 

For this version of the surgery, the recovery of the mouth is the most brutal part as the tissue grows back and you can barely talk or eat anything but soft foods and liquids. For 7 days, I mainly relied on a pen and notepad I’d carry around for communication. I was eating like Gwyneth Paltrow, a cup of bone broth and nothing else. The pain was severe the first week, but luckily has since calmed down and I am back to eating most foods. The mouth heals surprisingly quickly and grew back new tissue and the graft in my vulva is creating its own blood vessels now. The human body is insane. 

The vulva and clitoris have luckily been much easier to heal this time around. Unlike the film and first surgery, I am able to walk around more, sit, and even started driving on my donut pillow today. Of course we have the old faithful, aka the sitz bath, back for her 10th season. This also made a good excuse to buy some comfy Mumu’s from Marshalls to let the area breath while lounging around the house during this heat wave madness. 

We flew to San Diego for this surgery. Unfortunately providers in driving distance that can perform this surgery are private practice and the out of pocket cost is tens of thousands for the surgery alone. Luckily a specialist in San Diego takes insurance so even with the flights, short airbnb stay, and coinsurance payments, it was still cheaper to fly to San Diego for the surgery then get it close by. Also there are not enough specialists for vulvovaginal care, especially that can perform this version of the surgery. I am so privileged to have the financial means and support to be able to even get this surgery. Not to mention the advantages I already have as an upper middle class white woman comparatively in the medical system. If someone like me is struggling this hard to get care, what does it look like for the rest of the population? 

4 days post-op we took a 5ish hour flight from San Diego to Philadelphia so I could finish recovering at home until my post-op appointment 4 weeks later. 

At this point, I am having to wear diapers, on a mix of medicines, and feeling like my mouth has been clawed by a bear in basic economy. I had not eaten and had some warm baby food pouches packed that made me want to puke, but I was so hungry. I’m walking very slowly and have to use a perri bottle and lidocaine in my mouth in the confines of economy airline bathrooms. You have to think, what have I done in life to get myself here – eating baby food in an adult diaper on a plane? 

That is the problem with invisible illness. From the outside looking in, I just look like a tired girl in baggy sweats. As I tried to get up to go to the bathroom, I was constantly pushed, people pulled around me, and I couldn’t even talk enough to explain why I had to move at a glacial pace. This is your reminder that you never know what someone is struggling with. Even if they look healthy on the outside, you NEVER know. Do not push past people, be patient and kind. All that to say, that was a plane ride from literal hell. 

So this fixes it? You’re done? I’m still in recovery, and will need to go back to pelvic floor PT in a few weeks. Cue the dilator montage!

BUT a new bombshell has entered the villa and her name is Endometriosis! I just started seeing a specialist this year and am new to this journey, but alas I am part of the 1 in 10 people dealing with this painful and chronic disease. 

Side note: Endometriosis is a chronic condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrium) grows outside of it, from the ovaries, fallopian tubes, pelvic lining, but also on surrounding organs like the bladder and rectum. This misplaced tissue thickens and bleeds with each menstrual cycle, leading to inflammation, scar tissue, and severe pain

What is crazy, is that in 2026, finally clinicians are starting to find links between Neuroproliferative Vestibulodynia (the condition I have and made the film about), Endometriosis, MCAS, and many more conditions. Here is an amazing article breaking it down: Emerging Perspectives on Chronic Pelvic Pain and Sexual Health

Side note: Neuroproliferative Vestibulodynia is a chronic pain condition causing severe hypersensitivity, burning, or stinging at the vulvar vestibule (the entrance to the vagina). It is driven by an abnormally high density of pain-sensing nerve fibers in the vestibular tissue

I also have a recent diagnosis for hypermobility, a likely hunch on MCAS and/or POTs, the ongoing scoliosis and kyphosis, and finally at 32 feeling like I’m scratching the surface of my own body and why it seems to not function how it is supposed to most days. 

Another side note: Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder (HSD) is a connective tissue condition where a person has unusually flexible joints (hypermobility) that cause significant symptoms, such as chronic joint pain, frequent instability, and subluxations (partial dislocations). This can be on certain joints throughout the body and for me includes my hips and neck. 

But Bonnie, this is all really personal! Yes, yes it is. I don’t care anymore. Learn about it. Read about it. Ask your doctors about it and if they don’t know, keep going till you find one that does. Spread the word because you can be saving someone like me from living with chronic pain their whole lives.

Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled to finally be in a place where I am tackling these issues and starting to have hope of a pain free life, but I am filled with a deep anger and grief about the past 32 years. I grieve for the things I wanted to do, but felt my body could not keep up. I grieve for all the nights I wanted to go out, but felt too exhausted. I grieve for the hurt I put my body through just to keep up the facade of pushing through. I grieve for the pleasure I never got and the pain I put it through to please others. 

About 10 days post-op, I’m grieving, celebrating, angry, hopeful, and every emotion in between within each day. 

Even today I find myself gaslighting my own mind. Was the pain really that bad before? Am I making this all up? Is it in my head? For so long when you are told the same things over and over again, it is hard to break the cycles. It bleeds into every aspect of your life, from work, to relationships, and just your everyday psyche. 

I’ve had to become my own doctor, reading medical research papers, looking into specialists, and the latest on my conditions. I’m still having to advocate to the top doctors and OBGYNs who are still not learning about my conditions in residency still, even though they affect so much of the population. 

The world continues to spin, and tissue grows to replace what was taken. Life moves on and so will I. As this chapter of my life, or door to my vagina, closes, I find myself at a new crossroads.

Lady Parts and my vulvar pain consumed my entire last 10 years. It drove all my decisions, it drained my life savings, got me into debt, and challenged me to do things I never would’ve dreamed of accomplishing. It defined my 20s. It gave me confidence. It gave me grief. It gave me adventures. And now, I am seeing the other side of the door. 

As Lady Parts finds its home on streaming and I start my recovery process, the idea of open time and the unknown is thrilling and terrifying. Change is inevitable, and I can either keep running forever or lean in. And now I get to close a chapter and see what happens next. 

We are reminded in tarot that the death card is nothing to fear. It is actually an invitation, a sign of birthing something new. An ending that allows space for what needs to come next. 

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Lips to lips, cheeks to cheeks. 

I am happy to share more details about the surgery, recovery, and more, but please know I am still in recovery and taking time to truly heal. I will try to get back to you as soon as possible. 

Until next time, please enjoy this photo of me trying to get down baby food pouches on the plane….