“It was still just as big and I was reminded again that comparison is truly the thief of joy.”

If you’ve been following along since 2014, you know it’s been a semi tradition to write a blog post on my birthday reflecting on the year as a whole. When I say semi tradition keep in mind there was a pandemic, medical drama, and the weight of existence that kinda took up my time some birthdays.

My birthday is just a few days before New Years so it gives me two fabricated things to base my entire reflection point off of. This year is special because not only am I making another trip around the sun, but I am completing a full decade. Yep, I’m 30. Pluto didn’t even make a full orbit around the sun yet, so I’m doing pretty good. Yes Pluto is a planet, there will be no further explanation.

Here are some past birthday blogs for your viewing pleasure:

Waking up on Mars: https://bonnie-gross.com/2022/12/26/waking-up-on-mars/ 

Saturn Return: https://bonnie-gross.com/2021/12/28/saturn-return/

Goodbye Health Insurance, Hello 26: https://bonnie-gross.com/2019/12/28/goodbye-health-insurance-hello-26/

The Quarter Life Crisis: https://bonnie-gross.com/2018/12/29/the-quarter-life-crisis/

A lot of people ask how I feel about turning 30 and I can honestly say I’m relieved. For the first time in my life I am excited about aging and what it means. I am truly excited to start off a decade as the person I have grown into over these past 10 years. When I look back at 20, 23, and even 28, I am a completely different person, who has gained confidence, self love, and wisdom with each year. Just like an onion, or an ogre, I have layers on layers. 

With all that said, here are 30 things I wish my younger self knew. Although I would love for her to hear these and take them to heart, the best teacher is life itself. If everything didn’t pan out as it was supposed to, then I wouldn’t be writing these lessons down right now in my own bed. I would love to say I am a perfect person, but I am human, and riddled with flaws, which means some of these lessons are ones I am actively working on today. The first step is always admitting you have a problem, right? That is the best part about aging now. I can look back and see where I went wrong, analyze, reflect, and come back stronger each time. 

1. Hating someone is like drinking poison and hoping it affects the other person. Learn to tolerate people who push your buttons and become indifferent. 

2. It is better to be a “has been” than a “never was.” The “never was” crowd will be your loudest critics.

3. Go to therapy or counseling at some point in your 20s. There is always room for self improvement. 

4. Hold your romantic partners to the same standards you hold your friends to. Then double it. Even triple it. 

5. Their lack of reciprocation is not a challenge to convince them of your worth. Repeat that until it sinks in. Apply it to everything.

6. When you fail, do not try again until you have asked yourself why it failed in the first place. If you just keep pushing at a door without taking the time to step back and realize it says pull, then you’ll just keep wasting time.

7. Sometimes self care isn’t pretty. It won’t always be cucumbers over the eyes with a massage. Most days it is letting yourself feel the emotions that you’ve buried for years, changing habits, and digging deep on how to better yourself even at your lowest.

8. Comparison is the thief of joy. Do what makes you happy even if it won’t please everyone around you or meet standards set by society. 

9. Quitting or giving up are not inherently bad things. Sometimes it is the bravest thing you can do, especially if you have established that a thing is toxic. 

10. Big changes happen slowly and over time through very small changes. Learn to celebrate those small wins as much as the big wins. Remember it does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop. 

11. Nobody is thinking about you. Everyone is the main character in their own story. 

12. Give yourself the same grace you give others.

13. If you feel like you want to break up with someone, your mind is already made up. 

14. You haven’t met all the important and wonderful people in your life yet. I am still meeting people well into 29. 

15. Don’t let capitalism fool you into thinking you are never doing enough. Work and hustle culture are not everything. Make time for yourself, your loved ones, your chosen families, and your hobbies.

16. Marriage and the nuclear family are social constructs, not necessities for living a fulfilled life. Do not let society dictate at what age you should and should not have these things if you want them. 

17. Let go, or be dragged. Let yourself fall apart and release control, so you can make space for something greater.

18. Your self growth journey is for life. 

19. You know your body better than anyone else.

20. Stop taking yourself so seriously. We are on a floating rock in space, it’s okay to take a moment for a dance break. 

21. Spend all your money traveling. Money will come and go, so go on an adventure and see the world while you are young. 

22. If it scares you because there is a chance you will fail, then it is probably the thing to do.

23. Life really does begin at the edge of your comfort zone. You don’t need to go skydiving, but going to that meet up alone is a good start. 

24. You can leave the party at any time. You don’t owe anyone an excuse. 

25. Take a sober month from time to time and take note of how you feel before and after. This also goes for substances, social media, or really anything that can be addicting. 

26. People are the most important things in your life. Call that friend you’ve been meaning to reach out to. Plan that trip to see your friend across the country. Text your loved ones and let them know how important they are to you. Tomorrow is not promised. 

27. Spend money on your bed. Take it from someone who slept on an air mattress for 3 years. Get a good mattress, comfy sheets, and a supportive pillow. 

28. Grieving isn’t just for someone passing away. It can be for losing out on a job you wanted, not getting into your dream school, or even noticing an older version of you that no longer exists. Allow yourself to sit in the grief and feel it. Let yourself fall apart today, and then pick yourself back up tomorrow. 

29. Ask for help. You were not meant to do everything alone. You do not require a romantic or sexual partnership in order to receive help from another person. People want to help you because they love you and care about you. Let them. 

30. You’ve been here before, so what makes you think you won’t overcome again? When turmoil strikes you are no longer going into battle with nothing. You have the 20 odd years of experience to bring along and if that version of you can survive, this one will thrive. 

The last one on this list has been something that has stuck with me throughout my 20s. Sometimes when I am feeling down, I have to rewatch the early seasons of my life to find the answers and seek clarity. 

I feel like most of us get stuck within the everyday struggles, we don’t even realize we are currently where our younger self dreamed of. I think back to being 23 and not being able to walk after surgery and even a simple stroll through Costco with my mom sounded like a pipe dream. 

Everyone so badly wants the grand prize. We live in a world where we can flash our greatest accomplishments in our newsfeed, yet hide away the failures leading up to it. I tore myself apart when “Lady Parts” didn’t get into some festivals we applied to this year. It was my baby. It was my everything. I got so wrapped up in the idea that it had to be esteemed to have meaning. I almost forgot the reason I wanted to make the film. I almost forgot that I even made a fucking feature film, which is a feat that not many people can say they accomplished. It wasn’t the society standard for an accomplishment. It wasn’t marriage. It wasn’t kids. It wasn’t a house. It was still just as big and I was reminded again that comparison is truly the thief of joy. 

When I was 20, I was so embarrassed to even say the word vagina, let alone even tell my closest friends what I was experiencing. For 23 years I had chronic vulvar pain, and I decided in my early 20s it was best to hide it away from everyone and struggle in silence. In my late 20s I wrote and produced a feature film about my journey with vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus, and now talk to strangers all day about vaginal health care without missing a beat. I watched as with each year I not only accepted my body, but became confident within it. Making the film itself was a huge feat, but putting a part of myself that I had kept hidden for years out there for the world to see is an even greater challenge that I am proud to have overcome.

There was a world that once existed where I was too shy to speak up in class. I used to be so scared of what everyone thought of me, that I thought staying silent was safer. I don’t even think it was until 27 that I truly began to love myself. Ironically the same year I started therapy. Coincidence? I think not. I’ve watched myself transform into a different human that my 20 year old self would not recognize. If you no longer recognize your past self then you are doing it right. I saw my trauma turn into art. I watched as I was able to love deeply again even after heartbreak. I stood back up even when I wanted to lay down and die. I lived through 29 years and I get to take those 29 years into the next. For that, I am forever thankful. 

Since we are talking years and numbers, I rounded it up “Rent” style, but I am unsure how many cups of coffee I drank. 

29 years, 26 countries, 35 states, 9 apartments, 3 relationships, 4 glow ups, 5 hair colors, 1 tattoo, 1 feature film, 2 surgeries, 1000 therapy sessions, 1 pandemic, 1 strike, 1 million TikTok views, 14 different jobs, 3 cars, 2 totaled, 2 Eras Tour tickets, 1 Covid positive test, 3 credit cards, 1 piercing, 20 weddings, 7 phones, 1 bachelors, 1 graduate certificate, 2 IUDs, 3 Survivor tryout videos, 2 trips on Route 66, 2 jellyfish stings, 1 homemade backseat toilet, and countless nights that I never wanted to end 

Grief, loss, love, failure, success, but most important are the people I met that came into my life as the years went.

Before ending this blog, I also wanted to share some excerpts of poems I had written throughout my 20s. Some are from early on, and well some were written this year. That part of it will remain a mystery to the readers. What if I told you I’m a mastermind? 

“I wish I could go back and change those 3 years
To tell my younger self that treasure is only rumored to be buried
And flowers die without ever knowing the sun
I know now it wasn’t all for nothing“

“A villain is created out of the crimes of others
A mirror of the evil in this world we refuse to see
The good, the bad, the way I’ll always see you and me
Neither a hero nor a villain, but a story we will tell one day
About a boy and a girl who met and then faded away“

“I’m begging for rain
What if it was my garden, not my grave?
Scar tissue forming like rungs in the trees
Another life lesson, good for me”

“The corner pieces to the wrong puzzle
I’m waiting on the world to change from the edge of my toilet seat
I’m constantly engrossed on people who are never thinking about me
A brave face seems impossible in these trying times“

“I was in love with the person you could’ve become
Like grief, you come in waves
Precautious, tip toeing my mind
In the faces of strangers on the train“

“Because you knew me then
And no one cheers when you make it this far
They never see the ashes, the talks, the dances
The way you love yourself more than ever before“

Until next time, please enjoy some of my favorite photos of the decade: