“Every day people are fighting their own battles and crossing their own finish lines, while wearing smiles on their face. The minutiae of everyday wins gets lost in the quest for our biggest goals.”

Just like Taylor Swift, I have a few tracks (blog posts) in the vault. With the ongoing strikes, finishing up “Lady Parts”, working multiple jobs, and weddings every weekend, this year hasn’t given me much time to sit down and write. No better time than the present. This post is not to shame anyone who drinks or enjoys other substances, but to just shed light on my experience of taking a sober month while at a very low point. 

This past October I joined in on sober October. If you are unaware, it is taking a month off from drinking and substances. This does not mean you can’t go to a bar or hang out with people who are drinking, it’s just not doing so yourself. I thought back on the past 29 years and other than being a literal child or during recovery from surgery, have I ever been sober for 30 days straight. I never considered myself someone who struggles with drinking, but I do love a challenge. Here is what I discovered. Spoilers, I am not fully sober now and continue drinking socially, but just at a slower and less often pace. 

Of course like most of the population, I would feel like absolute shit upon waking up after drinking with a splitting headache, body aches, and a churning stomach. Even if I drank just one beer, I’d notice myself feeling sluggish the next day. 

The main thing I noticed was the “hangxiety.” Haven’t experienced it? Good for you. It is feeling anxious or on edge the night after drinking due to the chemical changes in your brain. For me, as someone who already struggles with anxiety, this was the worst part of my hangovers. The scary part is that this heightened anxiety can last past the 24 hours of feeling like shit. I found myself tossing and turning for 3 days straight, thinking everyone hated me, and questioning every decision I’ve ever made. 

I looked back on my past months of debauchery, clothes not fitting, skin breaking out, and my spirals going darker and darker. The world around us was obviously on fire, but my inner world was also blowing up and every minute of every day was a concern of how I was going to find my next meal. The strikes had left me on reduced pay and hours for the majority of 2023 and with what little I made it was still not enough to pay rent. Even though my hours are back to normal, with no OT I am still struggling to make ends meet and taking on 2-3 side hustles as they come along. It was in the moments where I was 2+ drinks deep did my brain turn off for just a glimmer in time, and I could dance freely without spiraling into the trials and tribulations of what’s next. Then the next morning it would hit me like a ton of bricks as I worked my normal job then shipped off to a late night catering gig, where I skipped my dinner, and cried on the subway in between. 

October 1st I woke up hungover, drenched in sweat, and said goodbye to my lovely friends who came to visit. I locked myself out of my apartment while attempting laundry and $500 later my door was busted down with a new key hole installed. Another credit card had reached its limit. Anything medical had gone on that card and my $500 meds were not covered earlier in the year. I layed down diagonally on my small patch of floor and cried. Today was my first sober day of the month and it was not looking auspicious. 

It was easy at first since the hangover lasted about 3ish days and my desire to drink was filled with thoughts of vomit. It wasn’t until the social events did my cravings started to creep up again. Suddenly your friends are all drinking for a night out and you can actually feel the absence of a glass in your hand. You can feel the eyes on your empty hands, wonder what they think of you, and if they think you are no longer fun. At the bar, everyone keeps asking if you want a drink. They try to pressure you into joining in the fun. It becomes harder as everyone begins to taunt and tease, but this was not everyone! Most people were understanding and kind. All it takes is one person to make you think what the hell and start pouring back a shot. 

The scariest part came as I hit the 1 week mark, the spiraling thoughts weren’t as bad, but they were still there. I had to rely on other methods to calm them down and sometimes a stint of reality TV under my weighted blanket wasn’t enough. I continued going to therapy, journaling, and even started yoga in the mornings. Soon I was able to wake up early, notice a spiral before it began to spin out of control, and even felt comfortable at a bar without a glass in my hand. 

Then November came with a swarm of weddings, birthdays, and events. Let’s be real, I am not one to turn down open bars. I decided to slowly fold back into drinking and even after one drink I could now start to feel the effects. My brain would slowly shut off again. Then I’d wake up with my stomach in knots. Soon, I realized that drinking wasn’t worth the hype I thought. I’d still enjoy a glass of wine here and there and take a celebratory shot with friends, but I felt more in control than ever before. I had the confidence to know I could stop or take a break at any time. I even plan on doing a dry January to see what I may discover this time around. 

I believe that life rarely lets us celebrate the little wins. In this case, no one is jumping for joy and throwing me a party because I didn’t drink or smoke weed for 30 days. Every day people are fighting their own battles and crossing their own finish lines, while wearing smiles on their face. The minutiae of everyday wins gets lost in the quest for our biggest goals. I tend to get so lost in my own quests that I seldom take the time to celebrate myself and how far I’ve come. I know a lot of us do. If we can take a step back and see just how far we have come, then maybe we may see all the little successes we had along the way. How the version of yourself 10, 5, even 1 year ago would be so proud of you now. 

To lighten the mood until next time, please enjoy this photo of Halloween where I am a penguin and Stella is s’mores